The Wrap on 2017

Preamble

2017 was a rough year. The buzz of anxiety and the pall of depression ushered in by the upsetting U.S. presidential election, and then, the inauguration, of that shame-inducing ignoramus really set the tone for the year, for us collectively, I think. The havoc of the hurricanes, the fires throughout the western states producing the worst smoke pollution many of us have ever seen, the general sense of global crisis and climate change apocalypse crept through an almost universally awful year. And my niece Jenessa’s cancer diagnosis on top of everything else: I was more depressed than I’ve been in a long while, maybe ever. Nevertheless, there was still joy, and love, and there were still reasons to celebrate, because, like all other years, life continues on, despite all of this. 

Stuff that happened ♣ ♣ 

♣ Went to Asilomar with the Fam over the New Year’s weekend, and brought Emily and Ranjan for the first time. ♣ Amber and Ken’s son Huxley was born in early January, a wonderful salve for political malaise! ♣ Barry & Ricky got married, huzzah! And we got to spend some time with Steph, in town for the nuptials.  

♣ I got my very first tattoo, at age 44, a fully-baked adult. What an amazing, intimate experience. It hurt, for sure, both more and less than I thought it would. And then I felt exhilarated, and so sure of my decision (weirdly, it’s among very few decisions that I’ve felt completely sure of). It’s an homage to my mom, and to the story of my birth. I think she may have liked it, even. Maybe.

♣ In February, a new friend I’d only known for about eight months ended his own life. He was a light, and a creative tour de force, and he is missed.

♣ I bought a new mattress for the first time in 15 years! And bought a platform frame for said mattress. And sort of assembled it myself (with a lot of help from Clarissa). ♣ Glen & Becky’s son Lev was born! It’s a specific kind of joy to hold the baby of someone you’ve known since junior high. 

♣ I conducted my Update All Day Day on Facebook on February 19, 2017, my 8th annual Show. Highlights this year were: telling the story of my tattoo, broadcasting live audio of my morning shower, scritching Imogene Dog, and talking somewhat excessively about Huey Lewis and the News. ♣ On that day, I also lost a friendship with someone who had been in my life for nearly 25 years. There was a last straw for that person, and they needed to spare themselves the pain of being in my life. There’s still a strange gap without them, but slightly more peace. I hope they are thriving. 

♣ I celebrated one year of working at the synagogue, and have really enjoyed and felt grateful for the stability and the community it has brought into my life. At the same time, the creeping dissatisfaction with being a full-time bookkeeper once again set in, along with a resolve to engage my more creative pursuits in my off-hours. ♣ I adopted Josh’s car, having gone without one since my last car (which had been adopted from Quelise) was stolen at the end of 2016. 

♣ Emily and I celebrated a year together by going away for a weekend to Cazadero: hot tub, rainy redwoods, yummy food, whiskey on the porch in Adirondack chairs (above). I think we’re making this a yearly tradition. I also enjoyed intimate affections with my dear ones of four years, Amy and Kristina, and other special guest stars. 

♣ In March, Jenessa was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. When it was caught, it had already metastasized to her liver and abdominal cavity, and it is considered incurable. Multiple surgeries and endless courses of chemo have followed. Her reality, and my family’s reality, is permanently changed. She writes about her experience at her blog, My Colon Cancer: Semicolon, Not Full Stop. Please read it; it’s golden. Also, Jenessa is hellbent on becoming an internet star in this lifetime; make it so. 

♣ I worked my last day at my dear Buen Dia Family School in June, because working two nonprofit jobs on the same budget cycle was really draining me. Going back down to a four-day work week forces me to accept, once again, that time is more valuable than money, in some ways, and that money sure is convenient to have, and that I have to make significant life adjustments for this to work in the long term. This also theoretically frees up more time for self-care and creative pursuits, as hinted at above.

♣ My depression in the wake of Jenessa’s diagnosis really kicked in fierce between March and November, rooted in some deep, old existential terror that I tend to hang onto like a shitty friend. The usual terror, in some ways; scarier than usual in some ways. I set out in earnest to find a therapist, and I began therapy in August with a clinician I really like. This is my first time on the client side of the couch since I was a psychotherapy intern, myself. I warned my therapist that I’d be projecting all kinds of bitterness and anger at her, through no fault of her own, about my own dashed psychotherapy career. We have a good laugh when I do, indeed, sling that shit at her in our sessions. 

♣ I celebrated two years of co-hosting a social gathering for polyamorous folks called Poly Happy Hour SF with Amy, my co-conspirator, and, at the end of the year, we welcomed a new co-host, Laura. What a sweet group of pervy weirdos we’ve cultivated!

♣ I moved to a new apartment in Oakland with my dear friends Corrie and Sara! All I need to say about this right now is, it’s life-changing. ♣ Visited Heather and Jenean in Minneapolis in May, and got to see Heather’s grad school graduation! ♣ Celebrated Emily’s graduation from nursing school! ♣ Celebrated Dana & Kloker’s wedding!

♣ Barry & Ricky moved to Portland. They’re really happy there, and now I’ve got more places to crash in the Pacific Northwest. Still, it’s oddly unsettling that Barry is not local to me anymore. It’s like a hinge of “home” has loosened. 

♣ I assembled a bedside table. I’m finding it very satisfying to put effort into making my home space more functional and comfortable. I think this is middle age. 

♣ Also, while we’re talking about middle age, I had a colonoscopy and experienced being under anesthesia for the first time. This is part of the general health/life/death wake-up call that Jenessa’s cancer, and the excavation of lifelong depression, are ushering into my life. I also got tested for sleep apnea, which I, unsurprisingly, have. I even got a stand/sit desk at work! Yay, health!

♣ Took a trip to Seattle in August, visited Kristina, met her sweetie Maura, and partied, per usual, with the Greg-Jimmie-Topher-Patty-Austin gang. It’s never dull with those folks, trust me. ♣ Folsom weekend 2017 was epic. ♣ Also visited Portland in October, to visit Barry and Ricky and see their absolutely beautiful new home, and to see Dave, Melanie, and their amazing kidlets. Even watched the 11 year-old’s soccer game, and enjoyed it.  Again, #middleage. 

♣ In August, Amber and I had to make the decision, the kind of decision that is as awful as it is right, to put our dear Dorrie Dog down. I’d sat for her the previous week, while Amber and Ken and Hux were out of town, and she’d seemed a little sluggish, but not far out of the normal range. Then, on the morning of Sunday, the 20th, I spoke to Amber. She had been at the emergency vet with Dorrie since the wee hours. Dorrie had acute liver failure, labored breathing, and it was too late and too expensive to intervene. We decided to get an x-ray of her chest, to see if we could understand the underlying cause, not really to fix it, just, to know. There was a spot on her lung, likely a cancer that had led to organ failure. We said goodbye to our baby dog. I’m still bereft. And all this was the very day before Jenessa’s most harrowing surgery to date, on August 21, the day of the total solar eclipse. 

♣ All family and friends had to do on Monday, August 21st, was spend about ten to fourteen tense hours at the hospital, drinking coffee and gobbling carbs, and wondering if the sun would permanently go black. Jenessa endured much more that day, and in the months that followed. Read about the surgery at her blog. 

♣ Dressed up as Elliott from E.T. for Halloween! It was super fun. I even won Best Costume at Halloween Costume Karaoke, in an epic upset of Chris’s longtime reign. Love you, Chris! This is noteworthy, only because I very seldom dress in costume; it’s not really my thing, usually. I’m proud of myself for receiving the inspiration and following through with it.

♣ On Monday, November 13th, 2017, I decided not to drink any whiskey. Ditto Tuesday, November 14th. This abrupt resolve turned into a two-month break from drinking whiskey, which continued into January of this year. The only alcohol I had during this time was literally a sip of Shabbat wine on a couple of occasions, and a dash of bitters in my club soda some karaoke nights. My goal was not to abstain permanently, but to change my relationship with bourbon and rye from depressive habit to enhancer of joy and celebration. It’s been a much needed exercise in self observation, emotional growth, and self care.

♣ Emily and Ranjan bought a house together in Richmond, an exciting feat for them, and nice for me, ‘cause they’re now a skosh closer to Oakland. 

Life Hacks Deployed in 2017⇒ ⇒ 

⇒I’ve started buying multipacks of Burt’s Bees lip balm, because I always either lose track of them, or they fall on the ground, stick side down, and have to be thrown out, or the twisting mechanism stops working. It’s a life saver to always have another stick on hand. Compliance rating: Often!

⇒Boiling a bunch of eggs on Sunday night forces me to not eat junk for breakfast on workdays, and saves me so much time in redundant grocery store trips and quick food stops. Compliance rating: Not often enough!

⇒Ditto making one or two big meals on Sunday or Monday night, so I can have leftovers throughout the week. Making a roast beef is a favorite for this, or a big stir fry, or a giant frittata. It’s really, really hard for me to do this consistently, week after week, but I’m always really happy when I do. Compliance rating: Sometimes!

⇒I bought myself a pair of blue light-diminishing, UV protecting clear glasses, because my eyes are sensitive, and screen time has really been irritating them. I have to say, it helps a lot. Bonus: I look super cute in glasses. Check out Pixel Eyewear. Compliance rating: I wear them all the time!

⇒I bought a half-sized reusable grocery bag, which I fold up and keep in my shoulder bag for inevitable quick trips to the grocery store, or for other random shopping or transporting I do throughout a typical week. I’m categorically bad at doing one large grocery trip every week, and usually end up buying supplies for two or three meals at most when I go to the store after work. The small reusable bag is perfect for these runs, and I don’t have to feel guilty about consuming all those paper bags. Compliance rating: I use this almost daily!

⇒I bought a super cheap, $20 medium sized wheeled duffel bag at Target. I’ve been making nearly weekly trips to Campbell to see my family this year, and I do a lot of local and quick travel around the Bay and up to Seattle and Portland, so this is a perfect size for overnight, two or three night, or week-long trips, and, of course, it’s carry-on sized. I know this is nothing special, but I was really frustrated just packing a backpack for these excursions, because of the vertical design. Duffels are lateral, and when you open up the top flap, you can easily view everything you’ve packed, instead of having to dig through and mess up all your clothes. A bonus of my duffel design is side pockets on each end, which are plastic-lined, so perfect for sundries, obviating the need for a separate toiletry bag. Compliance rating: I use it at least three times a month.

Media and Culture I Consumed in 2017

All subject to my tried-and-true two-pronged ratings system:

1. I list entries from my most enjoyed to least enjoyed in the category; 2. I rate each entry with stars, one to five, for how “good” I think the thing was, regardless of the ranked order of enjoyment.

This is how, say, I could watch both Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (4 stars) and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (two stars), but still list Voyage first in the category, because, duh, transparent aluminum.

The Movies I Watched in the Theater

The Shape of Water (2017) **** 

Hidden Figures (2016) **** 

Fences (2016) *** ½ 

The Movies I Watched on Smaller Screens

(You’ll notice that there’s a major apocalyptic theme. Sign of the times.)

Get Out (2017) ***** – easily in the top ten movies I’ve ever seen, maybe even the top five. Narratively, structurally, visually, emotionally, politically, culturally, comedically, this film worked on all the levels there are, thanks to Jordan Peele’s searing screenplay, and Daniel Kaluuya’s pitch perfect performance, among many other elements.  I’ve had Black/POC friends ask me what I thought about it, and this is my resounding feeling: I’ve never been so entertained by, so compelled by, something that implicated me as a white liberal so horrifyingly accurately.

Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (2017) *** ½ in which he makes comedy, deep, real comedy, about the sudden death of his first wife, Michelle McNamara.

The Incredible Jessica James (2017) *** starring the incredible Jessica Williams, a really fun movie. Also with the brilliant Lakeith Stanfield (of Get Out), and that dorky Irish guy, Chris O’Dowd, who is in everyfuckingthing these days.

The Gnome-Mobile (1967) ** ½ – rerun, and I watched it twice in the span of two days. It’s really not at all a good movie, but the sheer glee of childhood nostalgia pushed this viewing experience to the top.

 Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil (2010) *** – satisfying and uproarious horror-comedy where the douchebags are served their comeuppance.  

The Day After Tomorrow (2004) re-run ***

Billy’s Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998) *** unbelievably, I’d never seen it before. Thanks Ness!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) *** ½

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) **** – rerun, but only my 2nd time seeing it.

THX 1138 (1971) **** – Sara and I spent a quiet New Year’s eve to round out 2017 watching this classic sci fi dystopian.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) *** 

Men In Black (1997) *** ½ (unbelievably, had never seen it before)

Flirting With Disaster (1996) *** ½ rerun – noteworthy: Josh Brolin in a totally sympathetic role as an out, proud bisexual man. Pretty rad. Ben Stiller as annoying as ever, but to good effect here. 

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993) ** 1/2 – the other New Year’s Eve pic to bring 2017 to an end.

Moana (2016) *** ½

Sharknado (2013) ** – because, sharks and tornadoes! And Robbie motherfucking Rist!

13 Going on 30 (2004) *** – re-run – I’m such a sucker for the time travel/body switching genre. 

Armageddon (1998) ** 1/2 – re-run.

St. Vincent (2014) *** – I’m less dazzled by the bulk of indie films these days, sadly.

Slow Learners (2015) * – skimmed through, super cliché, and offensive. Even had a duo of “magical Negro” characters to school the white leads in the art of not giving a fuck, despite their usual earnestness. Ugh. Tedious. 

Cruel Intentions (1999) no stars – oh my gosh. I might have liked it in the 90s, with a less critical eye, but this is one of the the rapiest, ickiest things I’ve ever seen. I get that it’s supposed to be a satire of a particular rarified social milieu, and maybe it’s just too close to home, considering who is in political power at the moment. 

The TV Shows I Watched

Bojack Horseman, Season 1 (2014) **** – unbelievably sharp social commentary and gorgeous artistic departures. I will say, a difficult show to watch while trying to control one’s depressive whiskey habit. 

Stranger Things, Season 2 (2017) *** – I might be enjoying the hype and the 80s nostalgia more than the actual story.

Gilmore Girls – complete original series (2000-2007) *** ½ – I loved it, and this was my first time watching it, at the behest of my nieces and their preparations for the updated mini-series that began Thanksgiving, 2016. I’d probably have given it an overall four stars, if it weren’t for the repetitive hyper-masculine dueling amongst all of Lorelai and Rory’s suitors.

The Good Place, Season 1 (2016) **** – effing brilliant. 

Master of None, Season 2 (2017) **** – I’m still mad at Aziz, but this season was truly beautiful. And Lena Waithe’s Thanksgiving episode is worth all the buzz. 

Dear White People, Season 1 (2017) *** ½ – so irreverent, and just so damned fun. And I love the Roshomon-style multi-character point-of-view narration, even though I totally have never seen Roshomon. Maybe in 2018…

Catastrophe, Season 1 (2015) ***; Season 2 (2015) *** ½ – Carrie Fisher, sigh. Oh, and it’s a pretty hilarious, emotionally brutal show about an in-the-moment affair that grew legs. 

Atypical, Season 1 (2017) ** ½ – it’s got the kind of quirky dramedy vibe I like, and a really great cast (I always love Jennifer Jason Leigh) but I fear the representation of autism in Sam, the 18 year-old main character (Keir Gilchrist) relies heavily on stereotype. Beyond that, the writing is really uneven. I’m curious to see if they can improve things for Season 2, because there are some lovely, well-wrought elements, especially in subplots involving Sam’s sister Casey (Brigette Lundy-Paine), and in Sam’s relationship with his dad (Michael Rappaport). 

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (2016) ** ½ – I think it fell flat. That said, I’m hooked on completion for properties I like. Do I want another update, based on the (totally predictable) cliffhanger ending–you betcha, I do.

Orange is the New Black, Season 5 (2017) ** ½  – I found the season to be largely tedious, except Taystee (Danielle Brooks), whose storyline was really strong, and the finale was powerful.

Unicornland, Season 1 (2017) ** – a short-format sex-positive webseries that follows Annie (Laura Ramadei) post-divorce as she meets couples to date, to fuck, and to fall asleep next to. It’s fun, and I support their effort, but it’s not the actualized polyamory I’d like to see on screen…someday.  

How I Met Your Mother Seasons 1, 2, (2006, 2007) ***; *** 1/2 – (re-run). As it’s gone for me with Friends, I may not be able to make it through another viewing. Too much with the fat/transphobia, too much with the Everyone Is White, etc. What they did well was really, really funny, but I think finding new fare is the way to waste time for me moving forward.

The Book I Read

That is not a typo. I read one, and only one, book in 2017. This is pretty shameful for me to admit, but I’ll be transparent here and not dodge the subject. I read only one book, because I didn’t make time for reading books last year. I slipped into social media vortices instead, mostly. I read a lot of articles, sure, and listened to a lot of informative podcasts. But I spent a whole lot of time not reading books. I aim to read more books this year, giving myself a modest goal of six. I’m already reading more, and doing more writing, both of which I’m happy about. I’m trying to break free of some of my social media brain control.

The book I read in 2017 was this one, On Grief, Hope, and Motorcycles: A Diary, by Candiya Mann. I happen to know Candiya, because we went to high school together, and we both lived in Santa Cruz during our early adulthoods. I was drawn to her story after finding out on Facebook after the fact that her partner, Mike, had died in a motorcycle accident in 2012. The book is a beautifully detailed account of her first year attempting to rejoin the living after this profound loss, told through journaling and through the logs of her motorcycle journeys. I’m glad it was my One Book for the year. I can’t overstate quite how inspiring this was for me to read. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Candiya.

The Podcasts I Heard with My Earholes ♦ ♦

In 2017, I continued listening to:

WTF with Marc Maron ♦ Judge John Hodgman ♦ Girl on Guy with Aisha Tyler (now archived) ♦ 99% Invisible ♦ 2 Dope Queens ♦ The Savage Lovecast ♦ Fresh Air ♦ Bullseye with Jesse Thorn

I began listening to:

Hidden Brain ♦ My Dad Wrote a Porno ♦ The Sporkful ♦ The Turnaround ♦ Various Ted Talks

Episodes I highly recommend (in no particular order):

TED Talk – Tristan Harris: How a handful of tech companies control billions of minds every day – this talk is proving really influential for me in thinking more critically about my Facebook habit, in particular, and is helping motivate me to develop new habits. This is really worth the 17 minute investment to listen.

Fresh Air – Rethinking Infidelity – Terry interviews psychotherapist and writer Esther Perel, one of the most nuanced thinkers on relationships there is. She also discusses the impact of growing up as a child of Holocaust survivors. Truly deep, revelatory. 

Hidden Brain – Tribes and Traitors – one of the most thoughtful discussions I’ve yet heard on reconciliation and empathy work between Israelis and Palestinians.

Hidden Brain – Check Yourself – the literal life-saving technique of making a checklist.

WTF Episode 807: Marc talks to Mark Mothersbaugh – one of Marc’s best interviews ever, with one of the most remarkable Marks.

WTF Episode 823: Marc talks to Jenji Kohan – as a mid-40s Jewish woman, I feel so much affinity with TV creator Jenji Kohan (Weeds, Orange is the New Black), right down to Jewish summer camp and growing up around mahjong players.  

WTF Episode 863 : Marc talks to Kim Deal – but first, he uses his opening spiel to discuss his feelings about the sexual harassment charges against his friend, Louis C.K. It’s one of the better discussions by a fellow man in the industry. If you’re a Pixies/Breeders fan, or a fan of good fucking rock ‘n’ roll, in general, Marc’s conversation with the hilarious and charming Kim Deal is awesome. I will say, Kim’s analysis of gay culture isn’t deep (this comes up in her explanation of why the band name Breeders) but I, a gay, forgive her.

The Sporkful – Patti Labelle Brings Her Frying Pans on Tour – how Patti Labelle makes herself at home on the road. So good!

The Sporkful – What if Willy Wonka Was Your Dad – it’s pretty satisfying to learn that Roald Dahl woke his kids up in the middle of the night to drink hot chocolate. 

The Turnaround: Jesse interviews Errol Morris – super fascinating to hear how Errol Morris (director, The Thin Blue Line, Fast, Cheap, & Out of Control) developed his skill as an interviewer and documentary film maker. He speaks slowly and methodically, like you’d expect.

The Turnaround: Jesse interviews Terry Gross – adorable to hear Jesse interview one of the most renowned interviewers of our time. She was super graceful and down to earth.

Live Performances I Saw in the Flesh

Pete Holmes and Judd Apatow at the Norse Theater, SF, with Jen

New Pornographers at the Fox Theater, Oakland, with Emily, Ranjan, Jason, and Jeanne

Hamilton at the Orpheum, SF, with Emily’s family – what a privilege. Thank you, Saltzmans.

Lyle Lovett and his Large Band, Mountain Winery, July, with Dani – extraordinary musicianship in this band, my god.

Polythene Pam – multiple performances – the retro queer girl band you don’t wanna miss out on. Booking gigs in the Bay Area now!

The Breeders – November 12, The Independent, SF, with Jen, Em, and Ranjan – unbelievably great show.

Civic Engagement in 2017

Monthly giving to: ACLU, Black Lives Matter, MoveOn.

Annual giving to: Center for Media Justice, Access Women’s Health, Silicon Valley Toxics Coalition, Trans Lifeline, Wikimedia, Colorectal Cancer Alliance.

Gifted donations to EMILY’s List and Jewish Family Services of Silicon Valley.

Attended the first Women’s March on inauguration weekend.

Protested at Milo Y. event in Berkeley.

Phone calls, letters to politicians on issues.

Protested Trump’s rollback of Title IX protections for trans students.

Supported Lisa Battista’s campaign for U.S. Congress and gave her intro at her first fundraising event. Lisa has since stepped down from running for the seat, but is actively engaged in the campaign to turn CA District 10 blue again. 

Supported numerous personal fundraisers around community events, crises, and health issues. 

Not enough.

The Karaoke Report 

So, if you know me at all, you know I do a *lot* of karaoke. In 2017, my habit was just about weekly, skipping some, but fitting in two or three nights or afternoons of it some weeks, too. I’ve scaled back a lot, with self-care and time to myself being more front-and-center for me now. But, when you do a lot of karaoke, you run the risk of numbing out and going to the same old songs over and over at times. I needed a way to challenge myself to do new material.

Enter, the 1976 Project: At some point around August or September, I decided that, for some unforeseeable and random amount of time, I would perform songs exclusively from the year 1976, the U.S. Bicentennial year, both for funzies, and to broaden my repertoire. Here is a complete list of songs I performed from the year 1976:

• The Boys Are Back in Town – Thin Lizzy
• Breaking Up is Hard To Do (slow version) – Neil Sedaka
• 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
• I’d Really Love to See You Tonight – England Dan & John Ford Coley
• Let Your Love Flow – The Bellamy Brothers
• Rhiannon – Fleetwood Mac
• Roadrunner – Modern Lovers
• Squeeze Box – The Who
• Peace of Mind – Boston
• Take The Money & Run – Steve Miller Band
• You Make Me Feel Like Dancing – Leo Sayer
• Breakdown – Tom Petty (to memorialize him)
• Dancing Queen – ABBA
• More Than a Feeling – Boston
• Night Moves – Bob Seger

In Sum, 2017

I have to put this entry to bed now, since it’s already goddamned March, 2018. But stay tuned for my archive of Year-End Wraps, from 2003 to 2009, to make their way to this blog soon enough! And, of course, there’s always next year…

Thanks for reading! And being! And doing!

xo Sooze